Since last few weeks I came across readers and friends who are facing several issues in their life. Especially in their relationships with parents, spouse or friends. After listening to them and thinking about my own life I realized several things which I feel needs to be shared among all who are facing same emotional turmoil.
As humans, we are emotional beings. Beyond our biological and materialistic needs, our heart looks for emotional acceptance, understanding and care. This, at larger level contributes to our need for dignity, peace and happiness. Once fulfilled, we feel comfortable and satisfied with our life. The question here is, does it ever gets fulfilled? Do we always get acceptance, dignity, peace or happiness in the way which we have expected? The answer, I am sure is NO for any normal human being. Very few people only can reach upto level where he/she is completely happy and satisfied. This dissatisfaction and unhappiness actually keeps our life active, it gives aim and sets targets for our entire life span. Then why unhappiness, dissatisfaction and avoidance is problematic??
We all have some or other kind of “emotional void” within our heart. This void is filled by other person and this union of self with other person becomes relationships. Parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife. Any kind of relationship includes more than one person. All person (mostly two) are expected to play a role defined for particular relationship. Being brother has different role than being boyfriend or being boss has different role than being son. If we don’t bide ourselves to these defined roles, it creates a problem in relationship. Obviously, one cannot behave has brother with his girlfriend. :)
The person who is filling up our emotional void is perceived as our “own”. We feel that we possess that person and tries to do everything and anything to keep him/her happy. Like parents cares for their children. With the passage of time, our bounding with another person keeps increasing and passiveness starts appearing from such care. This care infect, is a kind of structure of control we create for people whom we think as our own. This structure of control may be seen as care from our side but it becomes limitations for other one. Parents forcing their kids to study, simple and clear example of this where one wants to play but other person thinks that playing is not good as studying and creates emotional stress among relationship. It is applicable to all our relationship which stops and restrict person to do, think or speak which he/she feels to.
Increasing emotional stress on any one individual in relationship affects emotions of other person too ( if other person is sensitive enough to grasp such irritation or emotional stress). Going back to above mentioned example, forcing kid to study may also hurt his mother but still, she’ll force him. We as humans in given relationships are under constant fear of losing control over other person. Because we think ourselves as right and good. We are afraid that our loved ones may not able grasp or understood things which good or right according to us. This fear, keeps us on toe and we wrap such feelings with so-called care.
Our care is actually a form of control, which we never want loose and expect other person understand this because it is right from our side. If other person fails to do so, it will create series of issues and problems in relationship or breakdown of relationship in long run. “I cared so much for him/her but still he don’t value me” is common feeling we encounter during such phases. What should one do in such condition? Well! I am not sure, but here are some hints that can help to sort out such puzzles of relationships.
- Stop expecting that you care for some and that person should equally care for you.
- If other person don’t do as per your expectation, try to know reason behind that, but never stop person for doing, saying or thinking in his/her way.
- “I am right and you are wrong” is most vicious statement and feeling for any relationship.
- Try to accept changes in personality of other person. “He/she was not like that before this, why he/she become like this now?” is foolish question.
- Play your defined role, be a brother for a sister and boyfriend for girlfriend, not a vice versa
- Think about happiness in terms of liberty and not of possessiveness. Remember, you cannot own a person whether he/she is good or bad.
- Enjoy every moment of companionship, stop worrying about relationship, self and worldly situations.
- Most importantly, allow and accept everything from which strong maturity. Your ultimate goal for is happiness. Happiness emerges from liberations and not bondage.