Since last few weeks I came across readers and friends who are facing several issues in their life. Especially in their relationships with parents, spouse or friends. After listening to them and thinking about my own life I realized several things which I feel needs to be shared among all who are facing same emotional turmoil.
As humans, we are emotional beings. Beyond our biological and materialistic needs, our heart looks for emotional acceptance, understanding and care. This, at larger level contributes to our need for dignity, peace and happiness. Once fulfilled, we feel comfortable and satisfied with our life. The question here is, does it ever gets fulfilled? Do we always get acceptance, dignity, peace or happiness in the way which we have expected? The answer, I am sure is NO for any normal human being. Very few people only can reach upto level where he/she is completely happy and satisfied. This dissatisfaction and unhappiness actually keeps our life active, it gives aim and sets targets for our entire life span. Then why unhappiness, dissatisfaction and avoidance is problematic??
We all have some or other kind of “emotional void” within our heart. This void is filled by other person and this union of self with other person becomes relationships. Parent-child, boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife. Any kind of relationship includes more than one person. All person (mostly two) are expected to play a role defined for particular relationship. Being brother has different role than being boyfriend or being boss has different role than being son. If we don’t bide ourselves to these defined roles, it creates a problem in relationship. Obviously, one cannot behave has brother with his girlfriend. :)
The person who is filling up our emotional void is perceived as our “own”. We feel that we possess that person and tries to do everything and anything to keep him/her happy. Like parents cares for their children. With the passage of time, our bounding with another person keeps increasing and passiveness starts appearing from such care. This care infect, is a kind of structure of control we create for people whom we think as our own. This structure of control may be seen as care from our side but it becomes limitations for other one. Parents forcing their kids to study, simple and clear example of this where one wants to play but other person thinks that playing is not good as studying and creates emotional stress among relationship. It is applicable to all our relationship which stops and restrict person to do, think or speak which he/she feels to.

Increasing emotional stress on any one individual in relationship affects emotions of other person too ( if other person is sensitive enough to grasp such irritation or emotional stress). Going back to above mentioned example, forcing kid to study may also hurt his mother but still, she’ll force him. We as humans in given relationships are under constant fear of losing control over other person. Because we think ourselves as right and good. We are afraid that our loved ones may not able grasp or understood things which good or right according to us. This fear, keeps us on toe and we wrap such feelings with so-called care.
Our care is actually a form of control, which we never want loose and expect other person understand this because it is right from our side. If other person fails to do so, it will create series of issues and problems in relationship or breakdown of relationship in long run. “I cared so much for him/her but still he don’t value me” is common feeling we encounter during such phases. What should one do in such condition? Well! I am not sure, but here are some hints that can help to sort out such puzzles of relationships.

  • Stop expecting that you care for some and that person should equally care for you.
  • If other person don’t do as per your expectation, try to know reason behind that, but never stop person for doing, saying or thinking in his/her way.
  • “I am right and you are wrong” is most vicious statement and feeling for any relationship.
  • Try to accept changes in personality of other person. “He/she was not like that before this, why he/she become like this now?” is foolish question.
  • Play your defined role, be a brother for a sister and boyfriend for girlfriend, not a vice versa
  • Think about happiness in terms of liberty and not of possessiveness. Remember, you cannot own a person whether he/she is good or bad.
  • Enjoy every moment of companionship, stop worrying about relationship, self and worldly situations. 
  • Most importantly, allow and accept everything from which strong maturity. Your ultimate goal for is happiness. Happiness emerges from liberations and not bondage.

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Pain is Pleasure

Pain, a wonderful human feeling we all come across being the part of society. Society is basically a web of relationships and we all are connected with each other in various manner. Pain is most human feeling and faced by all irrespective to our culture, climate or social conditions. Interesting questions were raised in mind while I was traveling back to my hometown, a city was being prepared for 10 days Ganesh utsav, a festival of inviting lord of creativity at home as a guest and doing best hospitality to him. What made me to think about pain is the linkages between our ability to create and resolve pain. Religion, of course attribute this capacity to lord Ganesha who comes, absorbs pain and sorrow, and goes away. But is it something psychological or scientific about it? Well, don’t know about it!!
Pain has two connotations i.e. biological and social. Biological is almost clear to all of us that a wound is painful but most of us get confuse by pain created by(in) human relationships. Many of my friends, including me complains about feeling low, or feeling avoided, or feeling unwanted in different situations in different social settings. These things create a feeling popularly understood as ‘hurt’. So what is this pain or hurt?
Our thoughts are product of information we choose to grasp. Humans do not grasp information directly but we use some kind of ‘social lens’ or ‘social filter’ ( our preconceived notions and understanding ) to process this information. These processed information becomes our thoughts. This is why X person viewed in different manner and others view same X person in different manner. For instance, some people thinks me as frank and straightforward person while for others I am rude and blunt. These filtered thoughts becomes part of our personality traits and frames our experiences. For example, I am grown up in surrounding where people don’t trust each other, this information of not trusting people are included in my personality traits and therefore I don’t trust my neighbours or friends. Interestingly, my neighbors or friends may not have information as I had and so they may not have element of doubt in their personality. Such situation creates conflict in relationships when personality traits of one person do not match with others.  This conflict if not get resolved, creates a feeling, understood as ‘hurt’ or pain.
Generally, people who gets hurt tries to distract their mind. It’s wrong!! If I got wound, if it is  paining hard, and I choose to watch TV to distract mind, will it heal that wound? Obviously no!!! Rather infection of that wound will spread in rest part of my body leading to more pain. Same thing happens when we get hurt by person, we seek healing by deleting or avoiding that thought which not going to help in longer run. Than how can we resolve hurt or pain? Briefly, I share thoughts about resolving pain which may not be true according to all, but objections are always welcomed :)
Our capacity to choose between peace and anger while facing unfavorable situation will decide our ability to absorb pain.
  • Anger kills creativity, positivity and intellect, stay away from anger and learn to choose peace over anger.
  • Do not seek to escape from pain, ‘stress busters’ are myth, do not avoid pain, try to heal pain (remember watching TV or going out for holidays etc. are temporary solutions to avoid pain)
  • Think about your own thoughts which is creating pain not about situation or personality which is cause of pain according to you. No situation or personality can hurt you without your permission.
  • Never ever think of revenge or tit-for-tat, it’ll waste your time, energy, relationship with self.
  • Allow your mind to think creatively when you are hurt, it’s damn difficult but it’s good for soul. ( If I am thrown out of train even by having first class ticket, I would lead a movement, instead of fighting with ticket checker )
  • Do not entangle in bad habits or company when you are hurt.
  • Avoid sharing your emotions with other people, remember we all have different ‘social lens’ to understand reality. You are only right person to understand your own reality.
  • Do not expect someone to come and help you to heal pain, it’ll make you more dependable and not empowered.
  • Pain or hurt is great tool for emancipation or self-realization but it can turn to be destructive if not understood and learned properly.
  • Finally, do not allow situation or people to hurt you, think about ‘social lens’ of other person who is hurting you. If someone do not offer me chair in party, should I get hurt or should try to get chair….. syam vichar kijiye ( think yourself )

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